


Indescribable

by ImaRavenclaw



Series: The Great Tale of Me, Lyra Malfoy Verse [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Death, Grieving, M/M, friends to boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 15:52:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8850955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaRavenclaw/pseuds/ImaRavenclaw
Summary: Sometimes indescribable pain leads to indescribable love.Part of the GTOLM verse.A Christmas gift for Paula (PaulaTheProkaryote) on HPFT, who wanted more TJ and Ben.Soon to be posted on HPFF.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [paulatheprokaryote](https://archiveofourown.org/users/paulatheprokaryote/gifts).



> A/N: If you’ve read The Great Tale of Me, Lyra Malfoy, then you enjoy TJ’S witty banter and sarcasm. Though TJ still possesses these characteristics, this is a story mostly about loss for him. He’s a different boy than the one you see in GTOLM, but I show how he got there. Because of Ben.

The agony is unbearable. The sobbing is twice as bad, it doesn’t stop. It hasn’t stopped since that night. And before I knew it March break was over, and now I’m back at Hogwarts walking around by myself instead of with my big group of friends. They aren’t _really_ my friends anymore, I guess I won’t have anyone to go back to when this depression stage is over. I miss my sister more than my friends though.

 

My nails dig into the stone as I let out a howl of pain, more emotional than physical. The fourth floor boys bathroom is probably not the best place to cry, but there isn’t a lot of places for privacy at Hogwarts if you really need it.

 

Before Olivia died, I was fine. Better than fine, I felt _invincible_. No one even expected it to happen. Olivia was so healthy, and so perfect. Pure wizarding blood, quidditch captain, head girl, sweetheart, top of her classes, great with animals, great with people, great great great. And then she had coronary thrombosis, that’s a fancy name for a heart attack. We always used to call them heart attacks. I don’t want to anymore, it makes it more real. Things with stupid names don’t shine in their existence as much as things who’s titles make sense.

 

I remember the feeling of being woken from dreams late in the night (early in the morning), and having the sense that I had no idea what was happening. Olivia was being carried by Dad. Struggling, not only to breath, but also to do anything else that any living human is capable of. Then Dad was gone through the floo, and Mum led me after them. Dad had taken in Olivia as if she was his blood child, but we don’t—didn’t have the same father. Olivia’s Dad, Henrick , died when Olivia was very young. Only a year, I think.

 

When we fell through the floo at St. Mungo’s, a dozen healers in white healing robes ran over to our aid, heaving Liv onto a stretcher. I was amazed by how they all ran in unison, not tripping whilst doing things like checking her vitals. And then a healer uttered “she’s gone”.

 

Everyone stopped moving. Mum, Dad, me, the healers. We all stood there, looking at the beautiful girl on the stretcher. The beautiful _dead_ girl.

 

No one cried that first night, not even me. Not a single sound was uttered. We went home as three instead of four, and didn’t say anything about how drastically the number had shifted. We went from four to three in four fast seconds. I’d thought that we were wizards, I thought that this kind of thing never happened to us.

 

Well I was wrong.

 

My sobs continue to shudder through me. I don’t know what to do with myself. I gasp and plead for a moment to catch my breath, but it doesn’t come. All I can see is Olivia’s dead body. All I can see is the funeral. All I can see is my own face, melting into a puddle of blood as the sounds of the word _gone_ vibrate in my ears.

 

I get knocked back into reality quickly. I’m not shocked when the door opens (it’s a bathroom for Godrick’s sake), I’m just embarrassed. I feel like a just-turned fourteen year old boy shouldn’t be sobbing, and I don’t need people spreading rumours about me right now. _Stop_ I tell myself, _be normal, because you are, and you can be_.

 

 

Though I dreaded the idea; the boy snickering would probably have been better than the current situation. I’ve seen him around, he’s in my year. Benedict Something. He’s not exactly the type of person who could bench press me, but being found by him still intimidates me a little. Seemingly, he’s sensitive. And the thing I hate most about sensitive people? They seem to love giving advice. Advice is probably the last thing I need right now.

 

Benedict doesn’t offer a hand, he doesn’t smile sympathetically and go on with his day, and he doesn’t say anything clever. Instead, he just sits down next to me and doesn’t say anything. At first, I’m a little-completely-weirded out, but eventually the silence and the warmth of another person seems to capture me. I’ve missed the comfort of other people. I used to be the type of person you’d have to pay to shut up, and now I don’t think I’ve had a real conversation in a week.

 

“It’s a good thing that Thestrals are fascinating creatures.” Benedict says all of a sudden. He didn’t say it with malice, or the type of tone that could indicate that he wants to drag me to his COMC class and have me describe every detail of the creature to him for an O. He said it in a way that makes me wonder why he doesn’t have many friends. His voice is soothing, and empathetic. We don’t touch, but that energetic warmth is still surrounding me.

 

“I know this is probably not the best time for this, but I’m famous for saying things at the wrong time. We don’t really know each other well, but I’d like that to change.” Really? Just what I need. “And, it’s not because you’re in a different place than you were before March Break.”

 

“How do you do that?” I ask curiously. I realize now that I’ve stopped crying, so I wipe my face with my sleeve and wait for the answer to my question.

 

“What?”

 

“Make it seem like nothing horrible’s happened.” I say. Benedict shrugs and opens his arms. Normally, I don’t get hugs. My friends didn’t really think that was something bros really did, but I’ve always had a secret liking for them. And just the fact that Benedict wants to hug a nearly perfect stranger in need just makes it that much better.

 

After a tight squeeze that makes me feel so much better, I confirm his name with him. “Benedict, right?”

 

Benedict shudders. “Oh Godrick please don’t call me that. I hate it. Ben works fine, it’s what everyone calls me.”

 

“Ben,” I smile, for the first time in weeks, the name rolling off my tongue sweetly.

 

“My parents named me after some muggle actor they adored.”

 

“Muggleborn.”

 

“Unchangeably so. You?”

 

“Half-blood.”

 

“Hmmm.” Ben hums thoughtfully. “Want to get some fresh air?” I haven’t been outside in four days.

 

“Ben, I have a serious question.” He raises his eyebrows expectantly. “Are you applying for the divination professor’s job?”

 

He chuckles and sticks his hand out to help me up. Joke number one, since—I’ve made good progress.

 

*

 

Cooling air caresses my skin. Though it’s still March, the air is warm and sticky. I feel a small smile pulling at the corner of my mouth, but it wilted at the thought that this was Olivia’s favourite quidditch weather. I haven’t been on a broomstick since I was eleven, and now I’m starting to think that I should try it again. Maybe that’s a good way to honour her. She was always trying to get me on a broom.

 

Now I’m thinking about Ben, and it’s funny because he’s the kind of guy I like but never notice that I like. Like, like. He’s just the sweet and shy to balance out my loud and confident. But now isn’t really the time for thinking about making someone my boyfriend.

 

I watch as Ben takes off his red loafers and walks barefoot through the dew covered grass. I notice his toes curling into the earth beneath them, and the way he never reaches up with the same hand twice in a row to brush the hair out of his eyes. And I notice my heart pounding. But it hurts me so much more than it should, because all I can think is what Olivia would do, were she here.

 

I can just see it.

 

We’re sitting in the same grass that I’m walking on slowly fading into the daydream scheme of life _, she’s helping me with my arithmancy. We giggle, mostly doing work but also doing quite a bit of gossiping. And then we see Ben walking, and things go in slow motion because I know who he is and I’ve seen him before but we’ve never met, and I’ve never felt the way I’m feeling. And obviously Olivia notices, she notices everything. Olivia giggles even harder than we were giggling before._

 

_“So that’s who you like,” she smirks knowingly. She waggles her eyebrows in a teasing manner, and I elbow her in response. And she gives me advice, which I really hate from anyone but her._

 

_“Please go talk to him. You’re so confident when you’re not freaking yourself out about guys. Look at him, he’s a total sweetheart. It’s not like you’re asking Tim Wood out.”_

 

_In one version I would listen, I’d run after Ben, grab him by the wrist, tell him. Tell him everything. Because Olivia’s advice was the only one I could trust._

 

_And in the other version, I did nothing. But fate tripped me in the middle of the corridor, and if it weren’t for Olivia I wouldn’t have said anything, I would have just walked away._

 

But before now, I didn’t even care about Ben. He was just another smart Ravenclaw in my year. And Olivia never found out that boys were just better for me. I didn’t really want to tell anyone, even Olivia. But now I really want to tell her, and I can’t even do it. I missed my opportunity.

 

*

 

When I finally get up the courage to ask the captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team, Dominique, if I could be on as a spare, she seems more than thrilled, as there aren’t any spares on the team. I tell her that I’m not really good at flying, but that I’d like to learn.

 

“What position do you think you’ll want?”

 

“Uh, chaser maybe.” I suggest. She looks me up and down.

 

“Yeah, seems to work for you.” She nods. “Okay, we’ll start tomorrow. Meet here at ten in the morning.”

 

I thank her for the opportunity, and leave the pitch. Heading to the dressing room, I think about how Olivia had been asked to be captain, but she turned it down. She never thought she was a good leader. I thought she was great. I still look up to her, even if it’s harder now.

 

I’m a little annoyed that I got into borrowed quidditch gear for nothing, as Dominique just put me on the team, but I suppose it’s not like I’d have to try out for a spot that really needed to be filled middle of the year.

 

When I’m done changing I go to the Great Hall. Ben invited me to meet his friends. It feels nice to get invited to do things and meet people again. Everyone seems to just assume that because Olivia’s gone the fun part of me has disappeared. They assume that I’m grieving so much that I wouldn’t want to do things anyway. I’m still grieving yes, but Dad told me I shouldn’t let it get in the way of my life.

 

I’ve only been friends with Ben for a month, and already he’s making me feel better than any of my old friends ever could.

 

I walk in, and Ben notices me almost immediately. He waves me over, he’s sitting at Gryffindor with his friends, two blonde girls. They both smile and laugh, and smile even more when I sit with them.

 

“TJ, Lyra. Lyra, TJ.”

 

I know who she is. Lyra Malfoy. If you know someone who commands attention without wanting it and is incredibly loud, she’s that person. Also, she gets judged by things that don’t really have much affect on her (like her family) which I think is incredibly unfair. And she is sweet to everyone even if she doesn’t know them. She’s also incredibly sarcastic, which makes her all the more fun. She has grudges against things most people adore, and she’s incredibly interesting.

 

“And, this is Audrey.” Ben gestures at the other girl. I don’t know her very well, but I’ve seen her around. She seems nice, and a little bit shy. I offer a little smile.

 

It feels good to talk about life, and normal fourteen year old things. Taking my mind off of Olivia for a bit soothes me. I know I shouldn’t move past it too quick, but I just want to go back to my normal life. A part of me just wants to be happy again, and a part of me is still yearning for Olivia back. I don’t want to hurt her feelings by enjoying my life if she truly is still watching from above.

 

 

*

 

Summer is a whole new feeling. It’s weirder without her in the house than without her at school. Thankfully, Dad suggested I invite “my new friend” over for a week or so.

 

I realize that some feelings pass, but even though I spend most of my time with Ben now, I still get an uncomfortable jittery feeling whenever we get too close. That hitching breath, thumping heart, goosebumps feeling. I haven’t said a word to him.

 

 _“TJ, if you never take chances, your life is going to be pretty boring.”_ It’s Olivia’s trademark sentence repeating itself over and over a I watch Ben shake a pillow case to force the pillow in. The adjectives I could use to describe Ben in his pyjamas race around my brain, jumping up and down. _Sexy, godly, sweet, beautiful._ I’m scared because he might not like me back, because I’m really not sure if I even like him. I used to confident, and brave, and sure of myself, and I don’t think Olivia would want that to end.

 

_“Do this now or never, TJ.”_

 

“Now.”

 

Ben looks confused. “What?” I grab him by the shoulders, and he looks a little shocked, but then he seems to realize what I’m about to do. Before I know it, we’re connected. The first kiss is like a question, a shy and curious question. The second an answer, a happy confirmation. Ben smile fills me up.

 

I was scared before, but I’m not anymore. I know how indescribable my love for him is. Indescribable because I love everything about him. The fact that all of his teeth are straight except for the one two over from his left big tooth, that just crosses onto the tooth next to it; how he fusses over everything, even when there really isn’t anything to fuss about; how he’s always five minutes early to show up, and five minutes late in leaving; how he can say things at the worst time but somehow make it the best time; how he dances with all his heart, and sings with all his might, because he knows that he’s not good but that doesn’t mean he’s not fun; he’s funny without ever being mean; and that laugh could bring the whole world to applause, his smile lighting it up.

 

There’s really only one way to put it…

 

I love him, that’s it that’s all.

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: 
> 
> I just really wanted to show how Ben and TJ got in a relationship. Because I believe in the proverb “when one door closes, two doors open”.
> 
> Stop, be normal, because you are and you can be is a line in the book We Were Liars by E. Lockhart. Or maybe it’s similar to that line, not really sure.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed.
> 
>  
> 
> And Paula,
> 
> I hope this satisfies your needs.


End file.
